149. Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

150. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.

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151. I told my wife I’d love her forever. She said, “That’s cute. I only promised ‘till death do us part.'”

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152. My retirement plan is simple: die before I have to retire.

153. The doctor said I need to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.

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